Page 1 of 297 123451151101 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 2964

Thread: Jokes ! ( post all jokes in here please )

  1. #1
    Senior Member ADP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Hull, East Yorkshire, UK
    Posts
    880
    Post Thanks / Like

    Jokes ! ( post all jokes in here please )

    Thought we might try a jokes section. Use this post to post any jokes .
    I will start...............


    George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

    The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

    George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

    To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".

    Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

    The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

    Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

    no mondeo jokes please_________________
    http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c2...H-/artwork.jpg
    Architectural Design Partnership


    Site Administration Team Member

  2. Likes marcushull, N/A, Pappabear, smackie65 liked this post
  3. #2
    Senior Member ADP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Hull, East Yorkshire, UK
    Posts
    880
    Post Thanks / Like
    Heres another..................

    Three men die in a car accident.They all find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something Christmassy.
    The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
    The second man presents a cracker , so he is also allowed in.
    The third man pulls out a pair of knickers.
    Confused at this last gesture , the angel asks him: "How do these represent Christmas?"
    The man answers: "They're Carol's."
    http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c2...H-/artwork.jpg
    Architectural Design Partnership


    Site Administration Team Member

  4. Likes cozmikdonkey, Pappabear, BByrum liked this post
  5. #3
    Senior Member Daytona's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Lake District, UK
    Posts
    3,008
    Post Thanks / Like
    Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting
    in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

    The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "So why are you here?"

    The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser, I piss on everything - the
    sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
    night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything,"

    He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The
    yellow lab says, "I'm a digger, I dig under fences, dig up flowers
    and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up
    the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great
    big hole in my owner's couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

    The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the
    vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says, "I'll hump
    anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,
    whatever. I want too hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had
    just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I
    couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away.

    The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac
    for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

  6. #4
    Administrator 12RM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    5,181
    Post Thanks / Like
    Think Carefully Before Speaking

    WIFE: "If I died, would you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course not!"

    WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."

    WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"

    HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good with you."

    WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"

    WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."

    WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"

    HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."

    WIFE: (silence)

    HUSBAND: "Oh F***!"
    ex 2001 S Type 3.0 SE Auto
    ex 1997 X300 3.2 Sport Auto

  7. Likes N/A, cozmikdonkey, Red Cat liked this post
  8. #5
    Administrator 12RM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    5,181
    Post Thanks / Like
    As a senior citizen was driving down the A77, his car phone rang.
    Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "John, I
    just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A77.
    Please be careful!"

    "Hell," said John, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
    ex 2001 S Type 3.0 SE Auto
    ex 1997 X300 3.2 Sport Auto

  9. Likes BByrum liked this post
  10. #6
    Administrator 12RM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    5,181
    Post Thanks / Like
    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ''Here's to spending
    the rest of me life (burp) between the legs of me wife!''

    Which won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of
    the night.

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, ''I won the prize for
    the best toast of the night.''

    She said, Aye, did ye now. And just was that toast?''

    John replied, ''Here's to spending the rest of me life,
    sitting in church, next to me wife.''

    ''Oh, that's very nice indeed, John!, said Mary.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies
    who chuckled leeringly and said, ''John won the prize the
    other night with a toast to you, Mary.''

    She replied, ''Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
    meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last
    four years. Once he fell asleep in the middle of it, and the
    other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.''
    ex 2001 S Type 3.0 SE Auto
    ex 1997 X300 3.2 Sport Auto

  11. Likes sconner, Red Cat liked this post
  12. #7
    Administrator 12RM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    5,181
    Post Thanks / Like
    This is not a joke but true -

    Conversation between my brother (D) and his 3.5 year old daughter (H).

    H: Dad, do you have a bike?

    D: I used to have one.

    H: Is it at Granny's?

    D: I used to have one at Granny's but not anymore.

    H: Was that a long time ago, when there were Dinosaurs......
    ex 2001 S Type 3.0 SE Auto
    ex 1997 X300 3.2 Sport Auto

  13. Likes RDownunder liked this post
  14. #8
    Senior Member Daytona's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Lake District, UK
    Posts
    3,008
    Post Thanks / Like
    Cinderella was 75 years old.

    After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat, Alan.

    One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.
    Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
    years?"

    The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three
    more wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

    Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.

    Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped
    off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

    "Oh, thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

    "Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.

    Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young,
    and full of the beauty I once had."

    At once, her wish was granted.

    Cinderella felt feelings inside her that she had not felt for years.

    The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you
    have?"

    Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you would turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."

    Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change, and there before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could
    match.

    The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your
    new life," and with that she was gone.

    For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's
    eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man
    she had ever seen.

    Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath.......

    "I bet you regret taking me to the vets that time, don't you?"

  15. Likes Red Cat liked this post
  16. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Dunstable
    Posts
    35
    Post Thanks / Like
    Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

    One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the
    Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

    Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

    Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere as she bathed.

    Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

    Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

    The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

    The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

    Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

    With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

    The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...



    AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Always pay your bills!!
    If it ain't broke, fix it till it is

  17. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Dunstable
    Posts
    35
    Post Thanks / Like
    4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
    It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
    In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

    The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
    The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".

    The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

    The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw4t again
    If it ain't broke, fix it till it is

  18. Likes PDMiller liked this post
Page 1 of 297 123451151101 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •