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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #361
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    This chap has a son. When the son is born - all that's born is a head, no body, no arms anything. The Doctors are all astounded that this child has been born with everything contained in his head and no arms, no legs, body etc.

    He's not expected to survive very long at all but somehow, he does. Each year his parents manage to nurse him through to another birthday and before they know it he's 18.

    At this point the father is over joyed but also sad, his son will never have a "normal" life. Against all the objections he is determined to take his son out for a drink on his 18th birthday.

    He proudly sets his son down on the bar top and gives him his first pint and a straw. The young man takes a sip of beer and complains immediately that he feels funny. there's a tiny *pop* and a body starts to grow from underneath his head. His father and friends are delighted - they convince him to try another sip. Sure enough *pop* and a tiny arm starts to grow.

    by the end of the pint the young man is staggering around on a tiny body, absolutely delighted but also a little inebriated. In all of the excitement he staggers out of the bar and into the road, there's a screech of brakes, the sound of a horn and a horrible thud. He's been hit by a bus. The barman looks up and sighs sadly. "he should have quit whilst he was a head...."
    2005 Jaguar S-Type D Sport Automatic. Grey/Black interior

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  3. #362
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball??

    She Gagged

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  5. #363
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    My mate set me up on a blind date.

    He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

    I felt like a right fking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  6. #364
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    A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

    The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

    The nun replied: "He went that way."

    After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."

    The nun said: "I understand completely."

    The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

    The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  8. #365
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Henry_B View Post
    What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball??
    ...
    .
    Weeeelllll, Henry, Really!

    Tut, tut!

    Ian's only got a certain amount of patience and you've been warned already, take heed!

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  10. #366
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    'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,", Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

    She said "Probably that I married you for your money''
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  12. #367
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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  13. #368
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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  14. #369
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    I recently came up with several jokes about unemployed people.


    Unfortunately, none of them worked.
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  16. #370
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    So there are two friends in a bar, one of them spots a Red Indian sitting at the bar, and says,
    " Who's that?"
    " Oh you mean the Chief, you know the Chief can remember every single thing that he has ever done in his entire life?"
    " What, every single little thing? That's ridiculous!"
    "Go and ask him a question then?"
    "I will".
    So, he walks up to the Chief and asks,
    "What did you have for breaksfast, ten years ago to the day?"
    The Chief looked up and said, "EGGS."
    The man walks back to his friend and laughs, "what a load of rubbish ,he could have said anything, how are we supposed to know what he did in his life."
    Anyway.....Twenty years pass by... and the same man is in a bar and spots a Red Indian at the bar. He thinks to himself, I know that Red Indian from somewhere but couldn't place where from.
    So he walks up to the Red Indian and said,
    "HOW."
    The Chief looked up and said,
    "SCRAMBLED!"
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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