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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #401
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    A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

    “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

    The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  3. #402
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    "Next week, if I can get a hold of an astrophysicist to help me out, we'll explore the necessary mass of bananas required to collapse under its own weight sufficiently that it ignites a nuclear chain reaction and gives birth to a star.."

    If your in trouble, he will save the day
    he's brave and fearless, come what may
    without him the forum wouldn't have pictures of 1/2 naked women everwhere
    well who's this guy? i hear you ask
    there's only one to do the job
    he's the one and only "Henry_B"

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  5. #403
    Senior Member MarkFY's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Henry_B View Post
    Oi! Henry... stop it with the selfies!!
    X-Type 2.5 V6 Sport AWD Auto 2002MY 76K miles Platinum Cranberry leather sports seats. My 1st Jag Feb 2017

    Retrofits: Climate Control (from manual ac), nav/touch screen, LED interior, facelift multi-function steering wheel, bluetooth, voice, message centre, facelift center console/sliding arm rest, acm, facelift door cards, powerfold mirrors, powerfold on lock, clear side repeaters, puddle lights, rear electric windows, 'JagDroid' Android upgrade, parking sensors and front/rear cameras.

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  7. #404
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MarkFY View Post
    Oi! Henry... stop it with the selfies!!
    Here ya go.



    I didn't earn the nickname Hairy Harry for nothing!!
    "Next week, if I can get a hold of an astrophysicist to help me out, we'll explore the necessary mass of bananas required to collapse under its own weight sufficiently that it ignites a nuclear chain reaction and gives birth to a star.."

    If your in trouble, he will save the day
    he's brave and fearless, come what may
    without him the forum wouldn't have pictures of 1/2 naked women everwhere
    well who's this guy? i hear you ask
    there's only one to do the job
    he's the one and only "Henry_B"

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  9. #405
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    In an aircraft which was waiting on the runway to take off, a Blondie decided that the seat in the second class was not comfortable enough and she moved over to the first class. A stewardess was this and walked over and asked to see her ticket. The Blondie showed her the ticket to which the stewardess asked her to move back to her original seat.

    The Blondie answered with this statement "I am blond, beautiful and flying to Tenerife, so I am staying put."

    the stewardess walked to the cockpit and told the pilot and copilot.

    The copilot walked up to Blondie and once again asked her to move back to her seat.

    Once more the Blondie answered "I am blond, beautiful and flying to Tenerife, so I am staying put."

    The copilot walked back to cockpit and complained about her and said that he will radio for the police to take her off the plane. To which the pilot said that he will deal with it

    He walked up to the Blondie bent down and whispered in her ear. The Blondie jumped up and ran back to the second class.

    The stewardess and copilot looked at the pilot and asked a
    What has he said to her to get that reaction to which he answered
    "I told her that the first class was not going to Tenerife"
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

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  11. #406
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    A retired and well to do Group Captain was in the city when he noticed a down and out begging. The Groupy recognised the man as his former batman and he approached the ex-airman, who poured out a sorry story of bad luck and mistakes.

    Now look here, old chap, said the Groupy I’ve a decent country pile and need some help around the house and that sort of stuff. We’ll get you cleaned up and you can start right away.

    The old airman was duly grateful but asked how he might serve his old Groupy. You can start off as though you were my batman as in the old days and just do exactly as you did then replied the Groupy.

    The following morning at 0700 sharp, there was a tap on the Groupy’s bedroom door, in came the old airman with a cup of tea. He opened the curtains, placed the tea beside the Groupy and wished him a good morning, with a brief word about the weather. He then went to the other side of the bed, pulled back the covers, smacked the Groupy’s wife smartly across the bottom and said: It’s back to the village with you my girl!
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  12. #407
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    Just for giggles!
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  13. #408
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    he he he

    "Next week, if I can get a hold of an astrophysicist to help me out, we'll explore the necessary mass of bananas required to collapse under its own weight sufficiently that it ignites a nuclear chain reaction and gives birth to a star.."

    If your in trouble, he will save the day
    he's brave and fearless, come what may
    without him the forum wouldn't have pictures of 1/2 naked women everwhere
    well who's this guy? i hear you ask
    there's only one to do the job
    he's the one and only "Henry_B"

  14. #409
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    Geronimo says to Sitting Bull, "You have new wife"

    Sitting Bull says "Yes"

    Geronimo says "What you call her?"

    Sitting Bull says "Five horses"

    Geronimo says "Why you call her five horses?"

    Sitting Bull says "Nag nag nag nag nag".
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  16. #410
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    lol
    "Next week, if I can get a hold of an astrophysicist to help me out, we'll explore the necessary mass of bananas required to collapse under its own weight sufficiently that it ignites a nuclear chain reaction and gives birth to a star.."

    If your in trouble, he will save the day
    he's brave and fearless, come what may
    without him the forum wouldn't have pictures of 1/2 naked women everwhere
    well who's this guy? i hear you ask
    there's only one to do the job
    he's the one and only "Henry_B"

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