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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #421
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    How to Shower like a Woman

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.
    2. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush into the bathroom.
    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how fat you are getting.
    4. Get in the shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
    5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15-20 minutes.
    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
    9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.
    10. Rinse conditioner out of hair. (This takes at least 15 minutes, as you must be sure you’ve gotten it all out.)
    11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
    12. Turn off shower.
    13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces. Spray any spots with Tilex.
    14. Get out of shower. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
    15. Check entire body for the ANY sign of a blemish. Dwell. Attack with nails and/or tweezers if found.
    16. Return to bedroom in long dressing gown with towel on head.
    17. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush into the bedroom to spend 2 hours getting dressed.

    How to Shower like a Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor where they dropped.
    2. Walk naked into the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your weiner at her and say something stupid.
    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck your gut in to see if you have pecs/abs. (You don’t.) Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror and scratch your privates.
    4. Get in the shower.
    5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one). Wash your face… wash your armpits… Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
    6. Wash your privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
    7. Shampoo your hair (no conditioner), make a shampoo mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
    8. Pee in the shower and rinse off. Get out, and fail to notice the puddle of water on the floor because you left the shower curtain hanging outside of the tub the whole time.
    9. Partially dry off, look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire weiner again. Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on the floor, bathroom light and fan on.
    10. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife on the way, grab your weiner, say something stupid, and thrust your pelvis at her.
    11. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. Fart and go about your day.


  2. #422
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    Headlines from 2030


    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.


    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.


    Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.


    Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burqa.


    Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.


    UK Government tells the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.


    Britain now has ten universities of Political Correctness.


    Professor Smith of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.


    Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.


    Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


    Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No one responds.


    Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.


    Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


    After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.


    Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.


    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights.


    Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.


    Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.


    New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.


    Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.


    Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.



    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  4. #423
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    Nah, they'll never create a camera with a shutter speed as fast as that!
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

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  6. #424
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    'I confess to feeling selfconscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana massala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.

    So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.

    To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.

    Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?

    Kind of killed the mood, rather.'


    Thought that you lot may find the above amusing.......
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  8. #425
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    Donald trump dies and goes to hell and the devil tells him that it full but he cannot go to heaven as he does not deserve too. The devil thinks about it for a few minutes and then says to Donald "there are 3 others who were not quite as bad as you and you can choose which one of them can go to heaven and you can take their place."

    Donald looks at the devil and answers "deal".

    The devil takes him to one of three doors and opens the first where he sees Barack Obama diving into a pool where tried to catch something but each time he came up empty handed each time.

    Donald says to the devil "No way, the water would ruin my hair style."I

    The devil opens the next door and Donald sees Al Gore breaking rocks with a large hammer and Donald shakes his head and says "I have a bad shoulder so this is not for me, we better go to last door"

    So the devil opens the last door and there is Bill Clinton standing there in an office totally naked with his hands tied behind his back and legs spread with Monika Lewinsky kneeling in front of him and doing what she became famous for.

    Donald is totally speechless and looks at the devil and gulps, takes a deep breath and more his heads in agreement

    The devil grind broadly and says "ok Monika you can go"
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

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  10. #426
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    Theresa May went to IKEA - she ordered a new cabinet........
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

  11. #427
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zero123 View Post
    Theresa May went to IKEA - she ordered a new cabinet........
    That's odd,I understood that she was looking for a dive team to help 'er out of a deep hole!

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  12. #428
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    An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor to earn some more money from his private health insurance decides that he should do a sperm count. So he gives the old man a glass jar and tells him to bring the next day with the sample.

    The next day the old man comes in and hands over the glass to the doctor, who looks at it and see a clean and shiny glass. The doctor looks at the man who blushes and answer the look from the doctor with this sentence.

    "First I tried with my left hand and after a little while with my right hand but it did not work so I called my wife to come and help. She also tried with the right hand and then the left and when that did not work with her mouth first with her teeth in and then without any teeth but this was also unsuccessful. We the ask our next door neighbour to help and she tried with both hands her arm pit and then between her legs."

    The doctor looked at him totally shocked and said "you asked your neighbour!"

    "Yes and none of us could open the jar!"
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

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  14. #429
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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