Page 48 of 50 FirstFirst ... 3844454647484950 LastLast
Results 471 to 480 of 491

Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #471
    Senior Member Poundy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Alvechurch
    Posts
    531
    Post Thanks / Like
    Quote Originally Posted by Jim_S-V6_2004 View Post
    This chap can fill.in for a few laughs any time:

    Cracked me up in his final show when I thought he was acting. Until the late news came on
    64 Plate RSport 3.0D All Black, Ceramic coated, self healing front car wrap, 19" alloys

  2. #472
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    14,818
    Post Thanks / Like
    Yes that was very tragic, but probably the way he would have wanted to go, quick not sick for years.

  3. #473
    Senior Member Poundy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Alvechurch
    Posts
    531
    Post Thanks / Like
    Quote Originally Posted by Jim_S-V6_2004 View Post
    Yes that was very tragic, but probably the way he would have wanted to go, quick not sick for years.
    " Just like that"
    64 Plate RSport 3.0D All Black, Ceramic coated, self healing front car wrap, 19" alloys

  4. Likes E30MW liked this post
  5. #474
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    14,818
    Post Thanks / Like
    Bob Monkhouse of course...


  6. Likes Norman E liked this post
  7. #475
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,029
    Post Thanks / Like
    Now on sale at IKEA, lesbian beds.

    No nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

    .................
    I was watching an adder and a hedgehog having a fight in my garden this afternoon. It was a close-fought thing but I think the hedgehog won on points!

    ...............

    Researchers for the Essex Aviation Authority found over 200 dead crows near the brentwoof turnoff on the A127 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    EAA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah," none could say "Truck.”.

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  8. Likes Jim_S-V6_2004, Jag-Black, Frank liked this post
  9. #476
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    14,818
    Post Thanks / Like
    Another chuckle!
    Used to have: Superb Silver 2004 2.5-litre V6 petrol, ZF Auto box
    Don't believe anything I say - Alzheimer's is setting in!
    Links:
    The Coffee Shop Thread: http://www.jaguarforum.com/showthread.php?t=65758
    S Type Stickies: http://www.jaguarforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=104

  10. #477
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    14,818
    Post Thanks / Like
    Here's a few dregs...

    Why can't Mexico put up an Olympics team?

    Every Mexican who can walk, run, drive, jump, ski, paddle or swim is already in the USA!

    -----

    Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?

    You didn't see anything, you didn't hear anything, you don't know about anything, forget about it if you want to see your family again, OK!?

    ----

    What did the Sheriff say to the reporter about the suicide he'd just reported?

    Worst case he'd ever seen, the guy had shot himself 6 times!

    ----

    (One for our pal ducmon...)

    How do you flummox an archaeologist?

    Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it's from!

    ----

    What went wrong when the paramedics find a woman's husband semi conscious in her bed moaning her name and fighting for breath?

    She hadn't pressed the pillow down hard enough or long enough!

    ----

    A little boy wrote a letter to Santa and gave it to his uncle to post. It read "Dear Santa, Please make me a little sister for next Christmas".

    Santa wrote back the following day "Ok, is daddy away again next week?"

    ----

    Why did Tarzan like wearing plastic underwear?

    Kept his nuts jungle fresh!

    ----

    How do you circumcise a whale?

    Send down foreskin divers!?

    ----

    What is black, sits in a tree and is highly dangerous?

    A crow with a machine gun?!

    ----

    Why is a camel known as "the ship of the desert"?

    It's full of Arab semen!

    ----

    I told my girlfriend she had drawn her eyebrows too high.

    She looked surprised!

    ----

    My little boy opened the front door when I returned from a month-long business trip.

    "Uncle Harry, that strange man who thinks he's my dad is here, shall I let him in?"

    ----

    The wife said to go to the bakery for some bread, and if they had eggs to buy a dozen.

    Luckily they did and I bought 12 loaves.

    ----

    I asked my pal "what rhymes with piston?".

    He said "No it doesn't!".

    ----

    My Welsh friend asked me to help him count his sheep.

    When they saw I was wearing gumboots they all ran in different directions!

    I wondered why he'd put on a balaclava!

    ----

    Pretty awful aren't they?

    .
    Last edited by Jim_S-V6_2004; 13-08-18 at 18:28.

  11. #478
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,029
    Post Thanks / Like
    Quote Originally Posted by Jim_S-V6_2004 View Post

    Pretty awful arn't they?

    .
    Yes!



    Did your school report contain the following?

    Christmas term;

    Jimmie is trying

    Easter term;

    Jimmie is very trying

    Summer term;

    Jimmie is moving class,thank goodness,he is very,very very trying!

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  12. #479
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    14,818
    Post Thanks / Like
    Let's put it this way...

    Everywhere I went, they promoted me quickly!

    And finally...

    Into premature enforced retirement!

    .
    Last edited by Jim_S-V6_2004; 13-08-18 at 22:11.

  13. #480
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Near Berlin
    Posts
    2,004
    Post Thanks / Like
    Well you don't want the final promotion do you. It comes with a wooden overcoat and no good watch.
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

    2003 (botox) S type 3.0 sport with manual gearbox, as rare as rocking horse apples

Page 48 of 50 FirstFirst ... 3844454647484950 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •