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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #511
    Senior Member
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    Here is a classic live show from Spike when he received an award

    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

    2003 (botox) S type 3.0 sport with manual gearbox, as rare as rocking horse apples

  2. #512
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

  3. #513
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    Radiance Red 2005 Jaguar S Type SE 3.0 V6

    Almost fully loaded

    No sunroof or Satnag.

  4. #514
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Remember this geezer?



    .

  5. #515
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    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightening, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she got there!'

    -------------------

    A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

    'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

    His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

    I do not have a headache
    I do not have a headache
    I do not have a headache

    Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
    'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

    His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
    Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

    Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

    His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful!'
    The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

    He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

    The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
    Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

    With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....

    She's not my wife
    She's not my wife
    She's not my wife

    His funeral service will be held Saturday.
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  7. #516
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

    Cats can.

    ---

    Jamie Oliver is building his first restaurant on the moon.

    Potential Customers say the food will be great, but they're worried there may be a lack of atmosphere.

    ---

    Our cities need more cemeteries.

    People are dying to get in one.

    ---

    How many Mexicans are needed to change a light bulb?

    Only Juan!

    ---

    No home, no control, no escape...

    I need a new keyboard!

    ---

    When my car headlamps went out, I was de-lighted!

    ---

    Why do Apple Mac users feel claustrophobic?

    There are no Windows.

    ---

    I went for an eye test today.

    They told me I'm colour blind.

    It was out of the blue.

    ---

    Apple are building an electric car but it's already hit delays.

    They've got industrial disputes about installing Windows.

    ---

    Gordon Ramsey was caught drinking brake fluid on camera.

    The cameraman told him to get off.

    He said he could stop any time.

    ---

    How do you knock out a whole circus troupe in one fell swoop?

    Go for the juggler.

    ---

    I bought a pair of leather gloves and they arrived today, but they're both left.

    On one hand they're awesome, but on the other they don't look right.

    -
    Last edited by Jim_S-V6_2004; 14-09-18 at 06:45.

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  9. #517
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    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

    It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

    At the checkout, the little terror is throwingitems out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.” Very impressed, the woman goes outside where thegrandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

    She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. Idon’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmlykept saying ‘things would be okay.’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

    “Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little shite is called Kevin.”
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  11. #518
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

    ---

    A 60 year old millionaire is marrying a 28 year old beauty and his friends ask how he pulled her.

    "I lied about my age", he said, "I told her I'm 87!"

    ---

    A little boy at a wedding asks his mum why the lady is dressed all in white.

    His mum answers, “The lady is the bride and she is dressed in white because she’s getting married and this is the happiest day of her life.”

    The boy nods and then says, “So mummy why is the man dressed all in black and getting drunk like daddy does?”

    ---

    Honey, what shall we do for our 20th anniversary?

    How about a trip to Thailand?

    Wow honey, that’ll be terrific! How about our 30th?

    I might pick you up again.

    ---

    I got really angry with my Tesla today.and told it to go to hell.

    About 20 minutes later, we were at my mother-in-law’s house.

    ---

    Why did God create Adam first and Eve second?

    He didn't want her telling him how to make Adam.

    ---

    Wife: "If I’d known you were poor, I’d never have married you!"

    Husband: "I always told you that you’re everything I have!"

    .
    Last edited by Jim_S-V6_2004; 14-09-18 at 16:06.

  12. #519
    Super Moderator Ian D's Avatar
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    Current Car:
    2017 XE R-Sport 25t 250Ps 18MY.

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    V6 X-Type Oil Sump Replacement Guide


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  14. #520
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    I recently had to choose a new doctor.

    After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am seventy plus).

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her - 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

    She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

    'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

    I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

    'No, I don't,' I said.

    She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of ***?'

    'No' I said.........

    She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shite ?'

    ----------
    A true story. My neighbour, John, has a son Simon and grandson Theo. Theo is about 10 years old and was in a supermarket with Simon and at the checkout was a woman with the biggest arse they'd ever seen. Her phone started ringing and Theo said to Simon, "Careful Dad, she's reversing"!!

    ---------

    I went for a prostate examination recently.
    The doctor told me to strip off, lie on my side and pull my knees up under my chin.
    I heard the "snap" of a rubber glove getting put on and then felt the intrusion of his digit into my rear passage.
    "Don't worry" he said, "It's normal to get an erection during a prostate examination."
    "I haven't got an erection" I said.
    "No, but I have" he said.

    ----------
    If two people with clap have ***, is that considered a round of applause.

    -------------

    A matelot walks into a bar and sits next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and casually looks at his wrist watch for a moment.

    The woman notices it and says "Is your date running late"

    He says "No, I just got this RN issue state of the art watch and was testing it"

    She says "What's so special about it"

    He says "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically"

    She says "What's it's telling you now"

    He says "Well it's telling me you're not wearing any panties"

    She giggles and says "It must be broken because I am"

    The matelot checks his watch again and says "****** things an hour fast"

    ------
    Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

    For fingering a minor.



    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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