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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #561
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    An old man takes his lawyer with him to have a meeting with the taxman who recons the old man hasn't paid all his tax. They sit down in his office and the taxman pulls out the old man's tax records. "It says here that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you account for that?". The man replies "I'll show you: I'll bet you £1,000 that I can bite my own eyeball."

    The taxman thinks a minute and then agrees to the bet. The old man pops out his glass eye and bites down on it. The taxman is surprised and disappointed. The old man then says "as you didn't know I had an artificial eye I'll give you another chance: double or nothing that I can bite my other eye!". The taxman thinks that as the man can clearly see he can't possibly have two artificial eyes, so he agrees. The old man then pops out his dentures and bites them down on his other eye. The taxman is distraught, how could he have fallen for that?

    Seeing the taxman upset the old man has another offer: "Tell ya what, double or nothing one more time that I can stand on one end of your desk, piddle into the trash can on the other side without getting a single drop on the desk." The taxman looks at his 8 foot long desk and figures there's no way he can do this, so he takes the bet. The man unzips, gives it a good try, but ends up peeing all over the taxman's desk. The taxman looks up smiling and laughing that he has finally won, but then sees the lawyer shaking his head in disbelief. "What's the matter with you" he asked. The lawyer responds "just before we walked in the door he bet me £10,000 that he could piddle all over your desk and you'd just laugh about it."
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

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  3. #562
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Not bad Zero.

    An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage in a train.

    Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

    There was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

    When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

    The Englishman was thinking, “The Irish fella must have kissed Julia and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

    Julia Robert was thinking, “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”

    And the Irishman was thinking, “This is feckin great to be sure. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.”

    ---

    Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishment's finest.

    The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one and does the same.

    The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?”

    And Paddy replies, ”Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

    ---

    Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving.

    Late Sunday evening he was found hanging in a tree by a farmer.

    "What happened?" said the farmer.

    Liam replied that his parachute failed to open.

    "Ah, well" said the farmer "if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday!"

    ---

  4. #563
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    Should the guy who invented the door knocker get a Nobel prize?

  5. #564
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank View Post
    Should the guy who invented the door knocker get a Nobel prize?
    .
    Depends who's there!!

    .

  6. #565
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim_S-V6_2004 View Post
    .
    Depends who's there!!

    .
    Knock Knock........
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

  7. #566
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    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Déja.
    Déja who?
    Knock knock

  8. #567
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    Who’s the Boss?
    When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
    The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the a**hole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the a**hole became mad and closed up.
    After a few days…
    The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the a**hole boss.
    This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss…
    Just an A**hole.

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  10. #568
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank View Post
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Déja.
    Déja who?
    Knock knock
    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Jesus
    Jesus who?
    Jesus Christ open this flippin' door!
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

  11. #569
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Confucius say "when naked man walk through doorway sideways, he go to bang ****!"

    ---

    Mushroom rolls into a bar.

    Bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here”.

    Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fun guy!”

    ---

    Women say men and tiles have one thing in common...

    If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

    ---

    Where does a wise bee keep his stinger?

    In his own honey!

    ---

    If you’re a Yank in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

    You're a-pee-in!

    ---

    When can you kick a dwarf in the balls?

    When he is standing next to your missus and tells her that her hair smells nice.

    ---

    What did the toy horse say when he fell?

    Help, I can’t giddy up!

    ---

    Why did the Strawberries cry?

    Because they were in a jam!

    ---

    I can't take any more of these! Aaaaarrrrgggghh!!!

    .

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  13. #570
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Here, let's change to visual humour for a while until someone invents the funny jokes of the decade (even if it is about to end)

    This one is very mild to start you off to find better:



    .
    Used to have: Superb Silver 2004 2.5-litre V6 petrol, ZF Auto box
    Don't believe anything I say - Alzheimer's is setting in!
    Links:
    The Coffee Shop Thread: http://www.jaguarforum.com/showthread.php?t=65758
    S Type Stickies: http://www.jaguarforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=104

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