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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #571
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim_S-V6_2004 View Post
    Here, let's change to visual humour for a while until someone invents the funny jokes of the decade (even if it is about to end)

    This one is very mild to start you off to find better:



    .
    Ah, that clip featured the late Zero Mostel. Here's another one:

    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

  2. #572
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    At least we're getting a few laughs from videos.

    Did anyone see this:



    .

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    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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  5. #574
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    Chancellor Merkel has just lost 8 Kgs. She shaved her legs.
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

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  7. #575
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Henry_B View Post


    .
    Nothing showing Henry.

  8. #576
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    An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.

    Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".

    The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

    Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

    Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

    Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

    Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

    One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

    Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

    The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

    HOW CAN YOU HELP?

    This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

    Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

    -- Fila or Burberry baseball cap
    -- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
    -- Shell suits (female)
    -- White sport socks
    -- Rockport boots
    -- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

    Required foodstuffs include:
    -- Microwave meals
    -- Tins of baked beans
    -- Ice cream
    -- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

    22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
    £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
    £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


    • Breaking news**

    Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop

    'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked,

    " ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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