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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #601
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    A very rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.
    Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

    “For how much?” The businessman asks.

    “£1 billion . A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

    “ONE BILLION POUNDS?!” The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him.

    “I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!”

    “Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly.

    “Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out!

    “What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.”

    The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?”

    “I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a cheque, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind.

    After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears.

    “What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman.

    “I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly.

    The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly:

    “M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”


    ------





    After dropping my new girlfriend home after dinner last night she said I'd have to wait six months before she would sleep with me.

    I of course totally understood and respected her decision ...


    ... and that I would contact her nearer the time.


    -----





    A man walks into a bar with a biscuit tin, places it on the counter and beckons the barman over

    "Have a look at this" he says, before opening the tin to reveal a tiny man sat in front of a miniature piano

    "That's amazing" says the barman "where on eath did you get him from?"

    "Bit of a long story. I found a lamp and when I rubbed it a genie popped out and told me that I had one wish"

    "Really", replies the amazed bartender, "and what did you wish for?"

    "Well it wasn't a 12 inch fucking pianist........."

    --------






    Tom's *******........
    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

    She said, "I have a praise.

    Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his ******* was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

    (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

    "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

    We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's *******, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

    (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his ******* should recover completely."

    (All the men sighed with unified relief.)

    The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.

    He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

    "I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

    ---------






    What do you call a camel with four humps?

    A Saudi Quattro.

    ------





    Why is Toblerone triangular?

    So it fits in the box.

    --------

    I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

    ------




    An elderly couple go to a faith healer's meeting. At one point the faith healer says "if any part of you ails thee, place your hand upon it and I will cure thee". The woman places one hand on her arthritic shoulder and looks over to see her husband placing his hand on his *****. She nudges him and says "he's trying to heal the sick, not raise the dead".

    ---------

    On an transatlantic flight some years ago I was asked by a rather beautiful stewardess whether I would like some TWA coffee.

    I said I would prefer some of her TWA tea.

    --------------




    I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough, she came back with disappointment written all over her face.














    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  3. #602
    Senior Member owl's Avatar
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    A few jokes totally spoiled by the ridiculous censorship rules on this forum.
    2007 XJ diesel Sovereign
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  4. #603
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by owl View Post
    A few jokes totally spoiled by the ridiculous censorship rules on this forum.
    I'm surprised that a certain word in there actually did escape the swear filter.............and no, I don't play the piano!
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

  5. #604
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    The word that escaped the swear filter was S C R O T U M......

    Very odd...

    After all, all male members have one,or even two....

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  7. #605
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by E30MW View Post
    The word that escaped the swear filter was S C R O T U M......

    Very odd...

    After all, all male members have one,or even two....



    I was referring to the 'f' word...........
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

  8. #606
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zero123 View Post
    I was referring to the 'f' word...........
    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - Retired.
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

  9. #607
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    phoned up my fruit machine manufacturer.

    I said, "My fruit machine isn't working".

    The lady said, "Can you hold?"

    I said, "No, it won't even let me nudge".

    -------

    What do you call an intelligent Blonde...

    A Labrador...

    ------

    A beautiful blonde walked over to me in a club last night and asked what I did for a living.

    "Accounting specialist" I said

    "Wow" she replied. "What can you go up to?"

    --------
    Husband pinches his wife's breasts and says "If we firm these up, we can get rid of your bra".

    Wife grabs his ***** and says "If we firm this up, we can get rid of the milkman!"


    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  10. #608
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE FOR ONLY THOSE WITH A WARPED SENSE OF HUMOUR

    Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, their next-door neighbour.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel..'

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, and after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

    'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

    Moral of the story:If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift.

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident

    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    Moral of the story:If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

    Puff! He's gone.

    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

    Moral of the story:Always let your boss have the first say.


    Lesson 4:

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


    Lesson 5:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients'

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


    Lesson 6:

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.


    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!

    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate..

    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of the story:(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
    (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



    THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE?



    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - Retired.
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

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