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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #621
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    Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
    The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

    The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

    The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

    Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

    So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my Go
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

    2003 (botox) S type 3.0 sport with manual gearbox, as rare as rocking horse apples

  2. #622
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    Some REALLY BAD Chili

    I couldn't read this in it's entirety without tears, ya'll give it a try!

    I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to $hit yourself, road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, albeit a bit warmish (read that, "hot to the point of being painful") which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it and the next day your butt cheeks fall off, I am NOT responsible!

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'tones of thunder and lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about & dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, poopoo, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

    The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape and incriminate me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.....BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal censored-plosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my delicate derriere is burning SO BAD. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-Beach (or something like that)! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

    Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping, and headed for the front when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

    I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.

    I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. *******s claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

    2003 (botox) S type 3.0 sport with manual gearbox, as rare as rocking horse apples

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  4. #623
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    There was a girl in my class we called Rudolph.

    She didn't have a red nose but we all looked forward to history.

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  5. #624
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    Q. Why is Santa so jolly?
    A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live............
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

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  7. #625
    Senior Member C16RKC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by E30MW View Post
    There was a girl in my class we called Rudolph.
    She didn't have a red nose but we all looked forward to history.
    I don't get it?
    Regards
    Chris Clark
    2001 XJ Daimler Super V8 (Car for 'best')
    2004 BMW 730d (Daily workhorse)
    2007 Land Rover Range Rover Sport 2.7TDi (The Wife's baby hauler)

    Previous cars: 1992 XJ40 Sovereign, 1994 XJ40 Sovereign, 2000 XJ Sovereign, 2000 Daimler V8, 2003 X350 Super V8, 1994 Renault Clio(!), 1999 Mercedes S430L, 2008 XJ X358 Sovereign Diesel, 2003 Mercedes S320CDi, 2007 XJ X358 Sovereign Diesel LWB

    www.autosanity.com

  8. #626
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    Quote Originally Posted by C16RKC View Post
    I don't get it?
    Oh dear,there's always one....

    Think about the song...


    'Rudolph goes down in history....'

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  10. #627
    Senior Member BernHardN's Avatar
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    Nothing special!
    Just a women trying to park a car!

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  12. #628
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - internally incontinent
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

  13. #629
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - internally incontinent
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

  14. #630
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    Quote Originally Posted by E30MW View Post
    Oh dear,there's always one....

    Think about the song...


    'Rudolph goes down in history....'

    It's just taken 'er indoors almost ten minutes to 'get it'!

    Subtle or what?

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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