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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #631
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    Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
    I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  3. #632
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto find themselves surrounded by hostile Indians. The Ranger asks Tonto: "What are we going to do, Tonto?" To which Tonto replies: "What do you mean we, kemo sabe?"
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

  4. #633
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    My gf was complaining about my problem with premature ejaculation.

    I’ve told her to shut up and take it on the chin.

    Mine used to take it on the chin, but now it just gets on her tits.
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect!) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  6. #634
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    Just the thing for the January sales....

    Click image for larger version. 

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    2014 XF 3.0D Portfolio / 2006 Kia Picanto 1.1LX

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  8. #635
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

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  10. #636
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    A man goes to a bar and meets an escort...



    ... after talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"
    "£50," She says.

    "£50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.

    "Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.
    "Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.
    "I bought that purely off £50 handjobs." She replies.

    The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her £50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.

    He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blow***?"
    "£500." She says.

    "£500? That's ****** ridiculous." The man replies.

    "Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.
    "Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.
    "I bought that off of £500 blowjobs." she says.

    So following suit, the man gives her £500, and sure enough, it's the best blow*** of his entire life.

    On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some p***y?"

    She replies, "Hell, if I had a p***y I'd own this town!"
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

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  12. #637
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    Three men are in a brothel,
    A German, a Turk and a Czech.

    The German is there for a quicky, the Turk is the pimp and the Czech is waiting for his wife.
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

    2003 (botox) S type 3.0 sport with manual gearbox, as rare as rocking horse apples

  13. #638
    Senior Member BernHardN's Avatar
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    Coffee

    You can do this in the plane,


    Click image for larger version. 

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