Page 86 of 86 FirstFirst ... 36768283848586
Results 851 to 859 of 859

Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #851
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,777
    Post Thanks / Like


    Cruising mostly appeals to couples or singles. However, groups of well-heeled ladies sometimes choose cruises for fun. I came across Helga’s diary an eye-opener which I share with you :-

    Day 1

    All packed for the cruise ship, all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, shorts etc. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter, the Late Bloomers, decided on this all-girls trip. It will be my first one and I can’t wait!

    Day 2

    Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the captain today seems like a very nice man.

    Day 3

    At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

    Day 4

    Won £500.00 in the ship casino. The captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal, complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

    Day 5

    Pool again today. Got sunburned and I went inside to drink at piano bar stayed there for rest of day. The captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again, asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.!

    Day 6

    Today I saved 2,600 lives. ! Three times !



    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  2. Likes C16RKC liked this post
  3. #852
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,777
    Post Thanks / Like
    My wife was arrested for defacing a library book, she Tippexed out all the full stops.

    The judge said she should expect a long sentence.
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  4. Likes C16RKC liked this post
  5. #853
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,777
    Post Thanks / Like
    A firm i used to work for has just hired an IT guy from Australia

    He comes from a LAN down under
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  6. Likes C16RKC liked this post
  7. #854
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,777
    Post Thanks / Like
    Jeff & Paddy have just returned from their working day out with the lorry erecting telegraph poles.
    The Boss calls Paddy into his office and asks him to sit down.
    “Now then Paddy” he says “I couldn’t help noticing that since you started working with us you don’t seem to be keeping up with the other men”.
    “Well, what wud yer be meanin’ there Boss?” says Paddy.
    “Take today for example” says the Boss “Jeff erected fifteen telegraph poles – you have only erected TWO - How do you account for that Paddy?”.
    “Well !” says Paddy “I don’t want to criticise Jeff, he’s a very noice man – but have yer seen ‘ow much he leaves sticking outa the ground?”
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  8. Likes Rik of the Westie, C16RKC liked this post
  9. #855
    Senior Member Jag-Black's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    Cambridgeshire UK.
    Posts
    2,282
    Post Thanks / Like
    Quote Originally Posted by E30MW View Post
    Arsenal scouts have descended on the Clapham back garden to see if the Kenyan is available for next season. A source said he is quick down the wing. Comes without baggage and will make a big impact when he arrives.
    his name is Ahminya Flowerbed

  10. Likes E30MW, C16RKC liked this post
  11. #856
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,777
    Post Thanks / Like
    I know someone who lost both legs and both arms in a car accident. Took place on a trunk road.
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  12. Likes C16RKC liked this post
  13. #857
    Member Rik of the Westie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Skipton
    Posts
    37
    Post Thanks / Like
    I've just applied for a new job at the Citroen factory ... I had to send in 2 CVs.

    My Cars - Current: 2007 XKR Convertible, BMW 530d Touring F11

    Past: BMW 525d Touring F11. Vauxhall VX220, Audi A6 2.7d Avant, Alfa GTV 2.0, Westfield SEiW 2.0 C20XE Redtop, Audi A6 2.7d Avant, Audi A6 2.5d Avant, BMW E30 2.5 Sport, Vectra 2.2 CD, Audi A4 1.8i, Ford Mondeo 2.0 Ghia X, Cavalier 2.0 GSI, Citroen BX19 Gti, Ford Orion Ghia i, MG Maestro 2.0i, Renault Fuego, Honda Accord, Cortina Mk3, 69 Austin Healey Sprite, Escort Mk 2 Estate, Mk 1 Golf 1100, Austin 1300

  14. Likes E30MW, Jimbov8, C16RKC liked this post
  15. #858
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,777
    Post Thanks / Like
    Quote Originally Posted by Rik of the Westie View Post
    I've just applied for a new job at the Citroen factory ... I had to send in 2 CVs.

    What is the job,rust implanter?

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  16. Likes C16RKC liked this post
  17. #859
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Wilds of North Norfolk
    Posts
    3,777
    Post Thanks / Like
    *** on the beach is a well known cocktail,but is it's council equal called White Lightening in a bus shelter?
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  18. Likes C16RKC liked this post
Page 86 of 86 FirstFirst ... 36768283848586

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •