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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #931
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    A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

    As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

    She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

    The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

    She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

    Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

    Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  3. #932
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

    One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep s***.
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

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  5. #933
    Senior Member Jag-Black's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by E30MW View Post
    [FONT="]Beethoven has died and the mourners have gathered as his coffin is slowly lowered into the grave.[/FONT]
    [FONT="]Suddenly, the mourners draw closer as music can be heard coming from the grave.[/FONT]
    [FONT="]First they could hear his 8th symphony playing in reverse... [/FONT]
    [FONT="]Then the 7th playing in reverse .... then the 6th. [/FONT]
    Suddenly the priest realizes what was happening and made an announcement, "Everything is okay people! It's just Beethoven decomposing."
    boo
    .

  6. #934
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    I have just ordered my new pollution sticker for my car so that I can drive into the exclusion zone for diesel cars in Germany.

    https://www.ebay.de/itm/Autoaufklebe...edirect=mobile
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

    2003 (botox) S type 3.0 sport with manual gearbox, as rare as rocking horse apples

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  8. #935
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    Quote Originally Posted by ducmon View Post
    I have just ordered my new pollution sticker for my car so that I can drive into the exclusion zone for diesel cars in Germany.

    https://www.ebay.de/itm/Autoaufklebe...edirect=mobile
    How close to the genuine article is that,please?

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  10. #936
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    Quote Originally Posted by E30MW View Post
    How close to the genuine article is that,please?

    very close.

    The government were debating to issue a blue sticker for diesels that conformed to euro 6 so that the police could see if you were driving on a street which is banned for cars with euro 5 but they did not do it.

    Do you want one?
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

    2003 (botox) S type 3.0 sport with manual gearbox, as rare as rocking horse apples

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  12. #937
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    A woman on a plane sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and then visibly shudders for ten to fifteen seconds.
    A man sitting next to her notices but just goes back to reading his book.
    A few minutes later, the woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, wipes her nose, and then shudders violently once more.
    He assumes that the woman might have a cold, but the man is curious about the shuddering.
    A few more minutes pass and the woman sneezes yet again.
    As before, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose, and yet again her body shakes - even more than before.
    Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turns to the woman and says, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK? - Is anything wrong?”
    “I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
    The man, more than a bit embarrassed, but still curious “I have never heard of that condition before” he asks. “Are you taking anything for it?”
    The woman nodded, “Pepper.”
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  13. #938
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    What do you call someone from Perth?

    A perthon.
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  15. #939
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    Jokes about white Sugar are rare....

    Jokes about brown sugar are demerara....




    I'll get me coat.....)
    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

  16. #940
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    You are dredging the bottom of coffee mug with that joke.😎

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