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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #971
    Senior Member
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    A Question for you.

    does a blind person have to recover the poop from their guide dog!
    Grumpy Old Git
    “When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain.”
    Napoléon Bonaparte

    2003 (botox) S type 3.0 sport with manual gearbox, as rare as rocking horse apples

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  3. #972
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Remember the cockerel pretending to be dead but waiting for the vultures?


    .

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  5. #973
    Senior Member Jag-Black's Avatar
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    I went to the opticians today.

    He asked if I was suffering any sight impairment.

    I sad I couldn't see very far.

    He took me outside, pointed in the sky ans said "what's that?"

    "It's the sun" I said

    He said, "the sun is 92 million miles away, how far do you want to see?"

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  7. #974
    Senior Member Davidsw's Avatar
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    A school inspector was visiting a rural school and rather than ask boring maths questions she asked a young lad to look out of the window .She asked him how many sheep could he see .He replied
    "All of 'em "
    Jaguar XKR x150 Cabriolet 2010

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  9. #975
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    I've just applied for a job for Citroen.
    I had to send them 2Cvs #

    MY 2005 jaguar S type SE Radiance Red 3.0 "Tweaked"
    MY 2001 Range Rover P38 4.6 Vogue Monte Carlo Blue LPG
    MY 2000 Land Rover Discovery 2 TD5

    “Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”

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  11. #976
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    Quote Originally Posted by Henry_B View Post
    I've just applied for a job for Citroen.
    I had to send them 2Cvs #

    But were they in good working order?

    2000 S Type manual(now sold and replaced with a Transit Connect that ate it's engine in Spain and replaced with another Connect known as the Micro Stealth Camper) BMW E30 cabbie in the very rare neon green colour and a Nissan Micra for 'er indoors!

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  13. #977
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

    He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you £100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

    The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you £1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

    The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you £10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that £10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

    They went into a deserted alley away from the city centre. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

    The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

    The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

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  15. #978
    Senior Member Zero123's Avatar
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    A wealthy man dies and gives his three best friends, a vicar, a company employee and a lawyer, £10,000 each, however, the will stipulates that they have to put the money into the grave as the man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral each person places an envelope into the casket.

    Later that day the vicar confesses he only put £5,000 into the envelope and gave the rest to the church. The company employee admitted to only putting in £2,000 saying the rest was for unpaid overtime. The lawyer was unimpressed that neither had fulfilled their friend's last wishes stating that he had put in a cheque for the full £10,000!
    "I know I'm a pessimist because my glass is always half empty...even when it's full".

    2009 X-Type 2.2D Sovereign - Indigo Blue with Ivory Leather

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