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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread.

  1. #1
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    The Official Jokes Thread.

    Yes Yes i know there's already one going, for some reason i can't post on it so i assume its been closed??

    So Ladies and Gents here's the new one!!!

    I'll start..


    In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses her head. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
    "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells,
    "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of *** in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up towards the rear.
    "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and says:
    "Iron this."
    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - internally incontinent
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

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  3. #2
    Senior Member Jimbov8's Avatar
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    Very good Henry.
    Jim.
    2012 XKR Black pack, Speed Pack, Aero pack, Rat pack. Past:-87'XJS 3.6L, 93'XJ40 3.2L gold, 95'XJ6 4.0L sport, 00'XJ8 3.2L sport, 2005 XK8 4.2L coupe, 2009 XK 5.0L Portfolio in that order and enjoyed all of 'em.

    I do not offer advice, I only say what I would do with the set of circumstances presented. Your choice always.

  4. #3
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    > A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
    > weight loss program.
    >
    > The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
    > stands before him a
    > voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in
    > nothing but a pair of Nike
    > running shoes and a sign round her neck . She
    > introduces herself as a
    > representative of the weight loss company.
    >
    > The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have
    > me."
    >
    > Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A
    > few miles later, huffing
    > and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way
    > with her.
    >
    > The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
    > same thing happens. On
    > the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
    > find he has lost 10 lb.
    > as promised.
    >
    > He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
    > pound program. The next
    > day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
    > most stunning,
    > beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
    > She is wearing nothing
    > but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
    > that reads:
    >
    > "If you catch me you can have me."
    >
    > Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This
    > girl is in excellent
    > shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when
    > he does, it's
    > definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for
    > the next four days,
    > the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the
    > fifth day he weighs
    > himself only to discover that he has lost another
    > 20lb. as promised.
    >
    > He decides to go for broke and calls the company to
    > order the 7-day/50 pound
    > program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on
    > the phone - "This is our
    > most rigorous program."
    >
    > "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in
    > years."
    >
    > The next day there's a knock at the door; when he
    > opens it he finds this
    > huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing
    > nothing but pink
    > running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:
    > "I'm Francis. If I catch you,
    your mine
    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - internally incontinent
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

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    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    my wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

    The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and use it in the dog's ears once a month.

    Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

    At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

    Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

    Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

    The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week!"
    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - internally incontinent
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

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  8. #5
    Senior Member Lost it's Avatar
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    Are we allowed to tell Irish jokes?
    2001 3.0 SE Auto, Satnav, winter pack. Dark Blue, all the toys.
    2004 3.0 Sovereign Estate. Winter pack. Fixed. For Sale.
    2005 Estate X type 2.2 Sport.
    2000 V8 3.2 XJ8 LWB. "Prom" car. Lovely. Should sell this one too really...
    2005 "AllyCat", 3.0 XJ6 SE.
    2000 S type 4.0 V8. Latest toy.
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    Sure I took the Red pill....

  9. #6
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    An interesting piece of History

    Not many people know this, but in 1272, Arabic Muslims invented the condom,
    using a goat's lower intestine.

    In 1873 The British somewhat refined the idea by removing it from the goat
    first.
    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - internally incontinent
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

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    Senior Member Lost it's Avatar
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    So Michael stoops down and picks up a pen. He says to his mate Pat "Is this your pen Pat?"

    Pat says "I don't know, lets have a look" and proceeds to write his name with it.

    "Yes it's my pen" he says. "It's my handwriting".
    2001 3.0 SE Auto, Satnav, winter pack. Dark Blue, all the toys.
    2004 3.0 Sovereign Estate. Winter pack. Fixed. For Sale.
    2005 Estate X type 2.2 Sport.
    2000 V8 3.2 XJ8 LWB. "Prom" car. Lovely. Should sell this one too really...
    2005 "AllyCat", 3.0 XJ6 SE.
    2000 S type 4.0 V8. Latest toy.
    VFR800A and a VFR 800F

    Still beating cancer. Trevor 2, Cancer 0.

    Sure I took the Red pill....

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    Senior Member Lost it's Avatar
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    There's this garage at the end of a long road and it isn't doing so well. So the owner puts up a sign saying "Free *** if you can guess todays lucky number after filling up".

    So Michael see's this, drives in and fills up. He says to the owner "Ok, what do I have to do for the free ***?" The owner says "Guess the lucky number between 1 and 10". So Michael picks the number 5. "Sorry" says the owner "You was one number out.. Better luck next time".

    Michael drives off somewhat disappointed.

    The next week he goes in the same garage, this time he has his mate Pat with him. Again he fills up, again he guesses the number, again he is wrong by one number.

    As he is leaving he says to Pat "I think this is rigged you know, I don't think I'll ever guess the right number". Pat turns to him and says "No, it's not rigged at all. My wife Mary came in twice last week and won both times".
    2001 3.0 SE Auto, Satnav, winter pack. Dark Blue, all the toys.
    2004 3.0 Sovereign Estate. Winter pack. Fixed. For Sale.
    2005 Estate X type 2.2 Sport.
    2000 V8 3.2 XJ8 LWB. "Prom" car. Lovely. Should sell this one too really...
    2005 "AllyCat", 3.0 XJ6 SE.
    2000 S type 4.0 V8. Latest toy.
    VFR800A and a VFR 800F

    Still beating cancer. Trevor 2, Cancer 0.

    Sure I took the Red pill....

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  15. #9
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lost it View Post
    Are we allowed to tell Irish jokes?
    hell yh
    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - internally incontinent
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

  16. #10
    Senior Member Henry_B's Avatar
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    One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

    They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

    The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

    The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

    The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
    Radiance Red Jaguar S type 3.0 - internally incontinent
    Monte Carlo Blue Range Rover 4.6 Vogue - Retired.

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