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Thread: Jokes ! ( post all jokes in here please )

  1. #2961
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    Nov 2014
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    5 and 25.

    Re: 5 - My Dear Old Mum did once say to me "If you fall off that and kill yourself, don't come running to me !" Lol.

    Re: 25 - My kids are so much better at pushing my buttons than I was at pushing my parents'.
    ex-owner of a 1999 X308 4.0 Sovereign LWB in blue

  2. #2962
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    Nov 2014
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    Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 999. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
    ex-owner of a 1999 X308 4.0 Sovereign LWB in blue

  3. Likes Jim_S-V6_2004 liked this post
  4. #2963
    Senior Member Jim_S-V6_2004's Avatar
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    Jun 2013
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    Snow White and The Seven Dwarves visit the Vatican and are presented to the Pope.

    When the Pope gets to Dopey he glows red and blushes as the Pope shakes his hand.

    Grumpy, standing next to Dopey, nudges him and says "G'wan, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

    Dopey clears his throat and asks "Ummm Your Grace, do you have any nuns about... So high?" indicating about 20 inches from the ground.

    The Pope graciously turns to one of the cardinals beside him and raises his eyebrows. The cardinal turns to one of his aids and poses the question. The aid shakes his head gently from side to side.

    Grumpy clamps his hand to his mouth and Bashful lets out a whimper, blushing and sweating copiously.

    The Pope looks benevolently at Dopey, shakes his head gently from side to side, "Not to our knowledge, bless you Dopey" and moves on to Snow White, who looks sideways at Grumpy and Dopey then exchanges greetings with the Pope and his entourage.

    When he is out of hearing distance Grumpy can't bear it any longer and busts out laughing, holding his belly and bending over double, crumples slowly to the ground, tears filling his eyes and rolling down his cheeks.

    Bashful grins sheepishly, crosses his knees, and looks around in vain for a corner to hide his face.

    Dopey looks angry and confused and very miserable, all at once.

    Sleepy snaps out of his daydream and asks Doc what happened.

    Happy grins blankly at Dopey and says nothing.

    Sleepy pulls at Doc's sleeve and again asks what happened.

    Doc leans towards Sleepy to make sure Snow White can't hear, and whispers "Last night Dopey got drunk and screwed a penguin. He says he thought it was a nun!"

  5. #2964
    Senior Member bydand's Avatar
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    Jul 2012
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    Really Cheesed Off, Not really a joke but a story which actually happen.

    I just read a thread on the XF board where someone had their car knocked and the other party drove off.

    I witnessed something very similar many years ago, when I worked part time in a quantity surveyors office in town.

    I was idly looking out the office window when a 30,s something city suit, is getting his rather nice car out of a rather tight parking space in a hurry. Whilst a parking-meter maid stands watching with camera and note pad in hand, ready to ticket him up.

    He prangs the car at the back of him on the second attempt and smashes the twin headlamps, and damages the bumper and corner of the front wing. Making a lot of noise and broken glass.

    The queue of people standing at the bus stop opposite, look shocked, all standing on one foot and at an angle, watching this scene unfold.

    The city suit gets out of his car, slowly shakes his head, pulls out a note book from his pocket, removes a page and scribbles down a note, and places it under the windscreen.

    Then drives off, with a wave to the parking-meter maid.

    It started to rain. The parking-meter maid goes about her business and wonders off, and the No.26 comes and the queue disappears into the bus.

    Then the owner of the car comes back and finds the damage to the head lamps, bumper and wing on his pride and joy, he then sees the note under the wiper on the windscreen. His face lit up at seeing the note.

    He opens it carefully, as it is sodden in the rain; he spreads it out and reads it. His face turns to amazement, then anger as he crunches up the folded paper and throws it in the plant pot outside our office and drives off.

    An hour or two later, when I am leaving work, I remember the crunched up note in the plant pot, and while waiting for my lift home, retrieve it.

    I open it carefully on the way home, and the note is torn but just readable.

    It said, and I quote.

    I expect everyone thinks I am writing down my details, name, address and cell phone number.

    But we know differently,... don’t we.....
    S type 3.0ltr V6 SE 2000, 84Km
    S type 4.2ltr V8 2006, 107Km
    XF 3.0ltr SC V6 2013 68Km
    No More, No More

    Bring me Sunshine, in your smile,
    Bring me Laughter, all the while,
    In this world where we live, there should be more happiness,
    So much joy you can give, to each brand new bright tomorrow,

    Eric and Ernie... you gota Love em.

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