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Thread: Jokes ! ( post all jokes in here please )

  1. #21
    Senior Member ADP's Avatar
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  3. #23
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  4. #24
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    Donkeys at Christmas

    Question : What do donkeys send out near Christmas?

    Answer :Mule-tide greetings.
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  5. #25
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    All Jeremy wants for xmas


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  6. #26
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    Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he
    stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his
    dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding
    something into the wall.

    "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked his dad.

    "It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this
    worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula
    made the worm hard as a rock," he said as he showed his dad the liquid
    that he had soaked the worm in.

    "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special
    chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So little Johnny
    handed the test tube over.

    The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new
    Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He asked his dad about the car.

    "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is
    from your mother."
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  7. #27
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    A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They enter the tent that
    houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bulls stall states: "This
    bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and
    says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice."

    They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 70
    times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one
    mated 70 times last year, that's almost 6 times a month. You could
    learn a thing or two from this one!"

    They carry on to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365
    times last year." The wife's mouth gapes open and says, "WOW! he mated
    365 times last year, that's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from
    this one."

    The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and enquire if it
    was 365 times with the same cow."
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  8. #28
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    Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia


    Bruce walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have *** with when you have a headache."

    His girlfriend who is lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

    The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

  9. #29
    Senior Member Daytona's Avatar
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    Tim came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

    When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

    "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Tim, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

    The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

    Tim was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family ....you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

    Tim was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

    "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
    "It's not so bad" replies Tim, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

    "Never" replies Tim

    "Well just relax and let it happen"

    And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Tim, wake up you drunken b*****d, you're sh***ing the bed"

  10. #30
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    I know its bad but I couldn't resist


    ... One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point
    He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
    One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
    First he came upon the lion.
    "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
    "No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."
    Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
    "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
    "No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."
    Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
    "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
    "Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."
    "Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
    "I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
    "Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.

    "Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"
    I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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  11. Likes Ian Sheppard, Lost it liked this post
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