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A man in a Jaguar passed a Mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage. After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a Mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Mini and it's occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph - and a bloke in a Mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"
 

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What's the difference between BMWs and Porcupines?
Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.


Guy walks into my parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Kia."
I said, okay, sounds like a fair trade.



A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.



After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."


I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
 

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"A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, 'Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it.'"

"A man is washing his car with his son when the boy goes, 'Dad, can't we use a sponge?'"

"What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck."

"Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead."

"The temptation to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away."

"What did the buffalo dad say to his son as he left? Bison."

"What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table."

"What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick."

Stop groaning you lot :mrgreen:
 

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3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”




What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife. :mrgreen:


I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”


What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.


“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”


A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “F... off, you won’t bring it back.”



Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
 

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On my grand-daughter's third birthday,'er indoors bought her one of those plastic dolls tea sets.

Isabel was delighted,and brought grandad a cup of 'tea'...it was actually cold water,but grandad dutifully drank it.A second,then third appeared....then my son reminded me that the only water that my grand-daughter could reach was in the toilet bowl!
Did it stain your teeth blue :mrgreen:
 

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a sloppy fan and his wife were driving back to the caravan in the dark when they run over a skunk , they stop the reliant robin to try and save the skunk . the wife picks it up and says oh the poor thing is shivering , husband says get back in the car and put it between your legs to keep it warm . wife says but what about the smell ? husband replies just hold its ****ing nose !
 

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A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
 

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Discussion Starter • #1 May 22, 2014
"I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision!

I've been suspicious for months that my wife has been having an affair, she's always texting on her phone, and always going out at night!
When I ask where she's going, she says "out with the girls"
When I ask their names she snaps and says you won't know them....
When her phone rings and I answer the other person hangs up and the wife goes mad at me calling me all the names under the sun.

When she goes out and comes home she gets dropped off at the end of the street. I know this because I see the same car drive past and 30 seconds later she walks in!

I made the decision the other night to follow her outside and see who's car she was getting in to, so I Knelt down beside my car trying to hide and spotted a rust patch on my wheel arch, so do I repair it myself or do I take it to a garage to get repaired?



 

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I took twelve months off this forum but my wife asked whatever happened to that young man who used to post jokes all the time.. See Henry you are famous and your jokes shared many times
You do remind me of a member his username was johnandhisjags your location matches his to
 

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My wife asked me to stop talking to her while having sex i said that's ok i will phone somebody else next time....
 

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I had a girlfriend, she was a nice girl, and she had a friend who was a stunner, and I do mean a stunner.
One time she made arrangements to meet me at her friends house, and she would meet me there.
I parked outside the door, and her friend invited me in, saying "She isnt here yet, would you like a cuppa"?
Well we sat there, me sipping my brew, when what she said nearly blew my mind, "I have always fancied you Michael, and do you think we could get it on with each other before she arrives"?
I didnt say a word, I got to my feet and headed towards the door as fast as I could.
Before I reached the front door, my girlfriend was standing in front of me and said "Sorry I doubted you, but it was all a bit of a test to see if you would be faithful".


The moral of this story is, always keep your condoms in the car.
 

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Lots of poultry keepers in the UK my local place is the Romsley Country Store cheaper that pet shops who rip you off.
 
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