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I asked my blind mate to read some braille for me and handed him a Lego brick. Apparently it spelled "You f***ing w***er!"
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he's ever read....
 

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...my mate's a serial flasher!

He was going to retire but he's decided to stick it out another year.
 

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Las Vegas and Liverpool!

The only two places in the world where you can pay for *** with chips...
 

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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I spent yesterday morning beside my wife's grave. She doesn't know, she thinks I'm digging a pond.....
 

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...someone's stolen my glasses! But I'll find out who, I have contacts....
 

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Paddy, "I think my wife's selling drugs"

Mick, "How come?"

Paddy, "The phone rung this morning, I answered it, and some bloke said, has the dope gone yet?"
...someone got our phone number confused with the Coast Guard!

The wife answered it and I heared a fella say "....is the coast clear?"
 

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I was going to sail round the world in a really tiny ship....but I bottled it.
...my brother-in-Law has started making yachts up in his attic.

He reckons sails are going through the roof.....
 

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....I've just been in Tesco and a fella in there threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me!

Luckily, my injuries are only super fish oil.....
 

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....a wedding photographer has died today having been struck on the head by a lump of cheese!

To be fair, everyone in the wedding photo did try to warn him......
 

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I've contacted my Chinese drug dealer today and he said to me ".....have you seen my cocaine?"

No, I replied, not since I last watched Zulu.......
 

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Gents, I've started to name any individual on here that DOESN'T like my jokes after a High St store.

So think on, you could be NEXT.....
 

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How do you turn Z-123's cat into a Manx?

Detailing innit!

[that should wind up Z-123 and the clay bar brigade]
...my wife wanted a Siamese cat but they're too expensive!

So I bought two normal ones and glued their heads together....
 

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I've had a painter and decorator in today. He's a furloughed British Airways pilot.
He's made a lovely job of the landing.....
 

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....ever since I was diagnosed with dyslexia they said I'd be no good at poetry.

But I've already made two jugs and a vase so what do they know??
 

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I've had a painter and decorator in today. He's a furloughed British Airways pilot.
He's made a lovely job of the landing.....
...he didn't hang around when he'd finished!

He took off sharpish.....
 

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...he didn't hang around when he'd finished!

He took off sharpish.....
....I offered him some Salt n Vinegar crisps but he only wanted plane...
 

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I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.

When I woke up I realised it was only a bream.
I had a nightmare when I dreamt I was being attacked by the Grim Reaper but managed to fight him off with the vacuum cleaner!!

Talk about dyson with death....
 

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...dyslexic lives mattress!
 

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I'm getting totally fed up with people whinging about the price of things.

Cup of coffee £2.50, cup of tea £2.00, slice of cake £2.50, parking £3.00.

Any more complaints and I'm going to stop inviting friends round to my house.
 

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Gentlemen, a personal question, if I may?

I’ve noticed one of my goolies is swinging lower than the other two.

Am I normal.....?
 
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