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I've written a short story about my lower limb that I hope will be passed onto future generations.

It will be my leg essay…..
 
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I used to be addicted to mud wrestling.

Been clean for 5 years now……
 

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Life is like an ashtray......




Full of little doubts

Jim
 

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Jim
 

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Isn’t it ironic that Carry On films have stopped…
 

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What starts with W and ends with t.
 

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There are 3 men in a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

Solution:

They throw 1 cigarette overboard.

Subsequently, they are a cigarette lighter......
 

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Captain Schmitt, flying a Jumbo jet over the Atlantic, informs the passengers there is a little problem with ze engine No.1, but not to worry he has shut it down and ze plane fly perfectly good on 3 engines.
Half an hour later the speakers crackle into life again. "Captain Schmitt here again with some more news that ze engine No.2 is behaving very naughty and I have shut it down, but no need for worries because ze plane fly easily on two engines."
Another hour passes and Captain Schmitt comes back again with news that engine No.3 seems to have ze little gremlins inside it and has been shut down, but no matter ze plane is happy on just one engine..... but best if the passengers can change seats and all passengers that can svim must sit on ze left and those that cannot svim must sit on ze right."
Halfway across the Atlantic Captain Schmitt excitedly addresses the passengers. "Zis is a nasty day today with ze engine No.4 about to burn in hell I must make ze emergency landing on ze ocean... So those on the left that can svim, look out of the windows and you see ze small island. When we hit ze water you must svim quickly to ze island. For those of you sitting on ze right and cannot svim......We hope to see you again and thank you for flying Lufthansa!"
 

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Jim
 

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Just spent £100 on a belt that doesn’t fit.

Huge waist…..
 

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Jim
 
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Discussion Starter · #3,554 ·
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I used to have a successful boatyard but recently my sales have been dropping off…..
 

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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s**t out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an a******e with a briefcase

Jim
 

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I’ve inherited a globe off a loved relative.

it means the world to me….
 

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Having a Beer With His Brothers
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies,
"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
(I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine, It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

Jim
 

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One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”

Jim
 

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Mass brawl at my Slimming World group today.

Started off as an argument then everyone weighed in…..
 
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