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I hear Henry 8th only beheaded his second wife because his mother-in-law didn't plead loud enough!


She was Mum Boleyn......
 
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Jim
 
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

Jim
 

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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

Jim
Another guy was following them carrying a trestle.
What's he up to, they were asked.
He's only here for the bier, they replied.
 

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The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Jim
 

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Missed my meeting with liars anonymous last night.


I was out with Cameron Diaz & Cheryl Cole….
 
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The wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction. . But I think she's bluffing.

Jim
 

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I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

Jim
 

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From "Twisted but Funny":

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

“Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s . There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
 

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The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner. Who knew? Here's a few little known facts for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 degrees. They turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

Old man Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million instead, BUT, they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Ford automobiles. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Jim
 
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