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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me”.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

Jim
 

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its actually Brighton not Liverpool Cannabis yes Cocaine no.
I'm pleased to report this makes no sense to me whatsoever.
 

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Font Terrestrial plant Screenshot Document Number


Jim
 

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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......

then I was petrified.

Jim
 

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Two confused guys laying in bed together. One turns to the other and say's I don't know about you Dave but I don't think I go much on this wife swapping!
 

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And so it was that David, son of Garth, did approach the fair maiden Catherine, whom he had long coveted, and offered her his desire of betrothal. As a sign of undying comittment they should lay together. And it came to pass that 2 months after, the fair Maiden Catherine did arrive at the house of David, son of Garth, with news.
Catherine announced she was heavy with child and David, must take steps.
On the morrow, David took the steps.... big ones, straight out of the kingdom.
 

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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. *The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. *In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. *They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. *They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won

Jim
 

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Motor vehicle Vehicle Product Infrastructure Car


Jim
 
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This week at my plastic surgery support group... there were so many new faces.....
 
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Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice breasts! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"
 

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During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million pounds to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million pound offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million pounds for charities. The bad news is that we lost the mothers pride account!
 

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, '
That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse ... phoned'.

Jim
 

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I can't understand why I can't win at skrabel.
 
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The bakery where I worked think I stole all their dough.

But at the moment they can't prove anything….
 
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