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Jim
 

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Sad news.
I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out i was seeing another woman, Claire Lee.
Good news.
I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Jim
 

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I've got a temporary job assisting my friend who has got a really well-paid job writing a new dictionary for Collins!


I’ve asked him to put a word in for me......
 
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Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers......

Dolf Lundgren: I'm playing Beethoven
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart
Schwarzenegger : Stop it guys, I'm not saying it....

Jim
 

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Doing a bit of research into Eco mode for older cars earlier today, found a solution

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Jim
 

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

Jim
 

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Jim
 

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My mate decided to become a mime.

I haven’t heard from him since….
 

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Jim
 

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Jim
 

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Jim
 

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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!”
she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father
“You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.

Jim
 
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