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Jim
 

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Sad news.
I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out i was seeing another woman, Claire Lee.
Good news.
I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Jim
 

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I've got a temporary job assisting my friend who has got a really well-paid job writing a new dictionary for Collins!


I’ve asked him to put a word in for me......
 
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Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers......

Dolf Lundgren: I'm playing Beethoven
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart
Schwarzenegger : Stop it guys, I'm not saying it....

Jim
 

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Doing a bit of research into Eco mode for older cars earlier today, found a solution

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Jim
 

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

Jim
 

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Jim
 

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My mate decided to become a mime.

I haven’t heard from him since….
 

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Jim
 

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Jim
 

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Jim
 

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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!”
she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father
“You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.

Jim
 

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Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament.

7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.

10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.

12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK.

13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA...

Jim
 
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