The Official Jokes Thread.
4941 - 4960 of 5019 Posts
It’s the transatlantic time difference, like down in Cornwall 😃
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2,193 Posts
I read that thermals can help some birds fly
I jumped off a cliff wearing mine,
I’m still in traction.
I jumped off a cliff wearing mine,
I’m still in traction.
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2,193 Posts
Stallone: I’m going to make a moving playing Beethoven!
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart!
Schwarzenegger: I’m not saying!
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart!
Schwarzenegger: I’m not saying!
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4,280 Posts
I took my wife to the new Eskimo restaurant last night, we asked to see the menu and the waiter said “We don’t have many options so I’ll run through it with you”
He said “We have whale meat steaks, whale meat curry, whale meat stir fry, and of course our weekly special “The Vera Lynn”
I said “What’s the Vera Lynn ?”
The waiter said “Whale meat again”
He said “We have whale meat steaks, whale meat curry, whale meat stir fry, and of course our weekly special “The Vera Lynn”
I said “What’s the Vera Lynn ?”
The waiter said “Whale meat again”
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20,329 Posts
Fishing trip
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
Jim
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2,193 Posts
I took the Grandkids glass blowing yesterday.
I made the mistake of sucking instead of blowing!
It's left me with a pane in my stomach......
I made the mistake of sucking instead of blowing!
It's left me with a pane in my stomach......
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2,193 Posts
I told my wife I’d bought a theatre.
She said “are you having me on?”
I told her it’s not guaranteed but she could audition like everyone else…..
She said “are you having me on?”
I told her it’s not guaranteed but she could audition like everyone else…..
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20,329 Posts
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Jim
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Jim
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20,329 Posts
Italian Customs Official
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina de Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the
Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a
the law".
The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over. We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with two guys
in a Uno."
Jim
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina de Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the
Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a
the law".
The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over. We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with two guys
in a Uno."
Jim
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4,280 Posts
Joined
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20,329 Posts
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons.
The first man married a nurse. Fred thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Fred thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Fred thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Fred reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was, 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
Jim
The first man married a nurse. Fred thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Fred thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Fred thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Fred reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was, 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
Jim
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2,193 Posts
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