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A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding
and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for
exceeding the speed limit.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT????
Driver: Yes, mate.
Officer: Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, as well.


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Stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man: "Tell me how long has it been sinceyou've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Oh me heaven, Faith and begorah!
Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Oh my, Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since
you've played around?" ... exposing much of her body.

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!


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"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my daddy's a*s!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!".......

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Went to a restaurant in Scandinavia recently.

A guy ate 3 trifles, 5 doughnuts and a whole cheesecake.

He went through those desserts like a Norse with no shame…..

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,

"So you're a man That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a
sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied,
"Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks,
"Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies,
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


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20,381 Posts

Uncle Tom's Motto- A friend helps you move. A real friend helps you move bodies.

Trying is the first step to failure

A friend with weed, is a friend in deed!

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines

Never look a potato in the eye

Airplanes may go fast but tricycles don't explode on impact.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

He who hesitates is probably right

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach

Two wrongs are only the beginning

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

A fool and his money are soon partying

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it

If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of payments

How many believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse. It will be a great trade

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Everybody repeat after me, "We are all individuals."

Death to fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts - on the last Geraldo

Love may be blind, but marriage is an eye opener

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back

Beware of geeks bearing gifts

Half the people you know are below average

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely is not for you


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I changed my phone alarm tone to the Hokey Cokey.

Took me 30 minutes to get out of bed this morning…..

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2017 Autobiography
13,884 Posts
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life
Post retirement, Mondays are just like Saturdays (but with less sport)

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I've just phoned the incontinence help line and they've asked if I can hold.
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Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt the fertiliser magnate married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high School dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe

Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable through childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-happens children Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy, with his hew bride, Piza Schitt.

So, if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them, not only do you know jack, you know his whole family...........


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Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle ... especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding

from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts,

they had ridden up his legs, and his lack of underpants

had turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she

dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and

tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The poor mechanic under the car had to have three stitches in his head


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The other day I realised I can exactly replicate the sound of hitting two coconut shells together simply by riding a horse down a cobbled street…..
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What follows and will continue for days to come, are some truely juvenile, even infantile jokes I found in the bottom of one of my office drawers. So get your "GROAN"s in now. And if any have been posted before, my apologies for the repetition.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine has become addicted to brake fluid. When I questioned him about he said he could stop at any time.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. 2 bloody 30!!!
Lucky for him I was still up, playing my bagpipes.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing by my bed.
First I was afraid. Then I was petrified.

Two Muslims have crashed a boat into the Thames barrier.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-A-Dam.

Enough for now . . . .
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