The Official Jokes Thread.
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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read: "Free Sex with Fill-Up, just guess the right number between 1 and 10."
Soon a local red neck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his Free Sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his Free Sex. The red neck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No Free Sex this time."
A week later, the same red neck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his Free Sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The red neck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no Free Sex this time."
As they were driving away, the red neck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away Free Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week!!”
Soon a local red neck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his Free Sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his Free Sex. The red neck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No Free Sex this time."
A week later, the same red neck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his Free Sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The red neck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no Free Sex this time."
As they were driving away, the red neck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away Free Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week!!”
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I rang the RSPCA to ask them to come and collect a polecat which was clinging to my ceiling fan.
The guy said he didn't believe me but I told him he'd have to take my whirred ferret……
The guy said he didn't believe me but I told him he'd have to take my whirred ferret……
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2,193 Posts
Just completed my cheerleading exam.
It was much easier than I expected.
I just went in and shouted,
‘Give me an A…..!’
It was much easier than I expected.
I just went in and shouted,
‘Give me an A…..!’
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4,280 Posts
Just an average school day really…
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20,329 Posts
Designated Decoy
One night, a police officer was staking out a particular rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he was able to start his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0 The puzzled officer demanded: "how can this be?"
The driver replied: "Because tonight, officer, I'm the designated decoy!"
Jim
One night, a police officer was staking out a particular rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he was able to start his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0 The puzzled officer demanded: "how can this be?"
The driver replied: "Because tonight, officer, I'm the designated decoy!"
Jim
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20,329 Posts
A father passing by his son's bedroom....
He noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Jim
He noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Jim
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2,193 Posts
A bloke who works with me comes in every day with wheels on his hands and feet, then gets down on all fours and delivers tea, coffee and biscuits to everyone!
I think he's office trolley.....
I think he's office trolley.....
I was wondering where I left it.
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