Yes Yes i know there's already one going, for some reason i can't post on it so i assume its been closed??
So Ladies and Gents here's the new one!!!
I'll start..
In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses her head. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of *** in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up towards the rear. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and says: "Iron this."
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
You may be right Chris, come to think of it, I'd have to think about that too....different times!
WHY PARENTS GET GREY HAIR
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about
an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper,
"Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?", he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him? "To the surprise of the boss, the small voice
whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mother there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what? " asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and
the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked "What
is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on
there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, and concerned, and more than just a little bewildered the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
A TEAM OF ARCHAEOLOGISTS EXCAVATING IN ISRAEL CAME UPON A CAVE. WRITTEN ACROSS THE WALL WERE THE FOLLOWING SYMBOLS, IN THIS ORDER OF APPEARANCE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT. A WOMAN, A DONKEY, A SHOVEL, A FISH AND A STAR OF DAVID.
IT WAS CONSIDERED A UNIQUE FIND, AND THE WRITINGS WERE SAID TO BE AT LEAST THREE THOUSAND YEARS OLD. THE PIECE OF STONE WAS REMOVED, BROUGHT TO THE MUSEUM, AND ARCHAEOLOGISTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD CAME TO STUDY THE ANCIENT SYMBOLS.
THEY HELD A HUGE MEETING AFTER MONTHS OF CONFERENCES TO DISCUSS THE MEANINGS OF THE MARKINGS. THE PRESIDENT OF THE SOCIETY SUMMARISED FINDINGS AND POINTED TO THE FIRST SYMBOL.
“THIS LOOKS LIKE A WOMAN. WE CAN JUDGE THAT THIS RAC WAS FAMILY ORIENTATED AND HELD WOMEN IN HIGH ESTEEM. YOU CAN ALSO TELL THEY WERE INTELLIGENT AS THE NEXT SYMBOL RESEMBLES A DONKEY, SO, THEY WERE SMART ENOUGH TO HAVE ANIMALS TO HELP THEM TILL THE SOIL. THE NEXT DRAWING LOOKS LIKE A SHOVEL OF SOME SORT, WHICH MEANS THAT THEY EVEN HAD TOOLS TO HELP THEM. EVEN FURTHER PROOF OF THEIR INTELLIGENCE IS THE FISH, WHICH MEANS THAT HAD A FAMINE HIT THE EARTH AND FOOD DIDN’T GROW, THEY WOULD TAKE TO THE SEA FOR FOOD.
THE LAST SYMBOL APPEARS TO BE THE STAR OF DAVID, WHICH MEANS THAT THEY WERE EVIDENTLY HEBREWS.”
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDED ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
THEN, A LITTLE OLD MAN STOOD UP IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM AND SAID, “IDIOTS! HEBREW IS READ FROM RIGHT TO LEFT. IT SAYS, “HOLY MACKEREL! DIG THE ASS ON THAT WOMAN!”
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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